Shield My Heart (Heaven Hill Book 9) Read online

  Dalton could see himself in this man, could understand the emotion, because these were all thoughts he’d had about himself. How in the world would he take care of a child? What if he couldn’t give his baby more than what he’d had. The thought crippled him, and if he were honest with himself, it was one of the reasons he was so unsure of how life would play out with him and Mandy. But he knew he had to try. Watching Samuel be strong in the face of everything going on—and he still tried to protect Dalton and Deacon. A hard truth he was beginning to learn was that putting your kids before yourself wasn’t about what you could give them, it was about how you could make them feel and how you could keep them safe. He knew without a doubt he’d die for anyone he loved, and he also knew if Mandy would welcome him back, she would never wonder about his feelings ever again, and he’d make damn sure their child never would either.

  “You loved us, and we love you. It’s why I want to help, it’s why I’ll go to Liam and pledge the rest of my life to make up this money to him. Let us help you; you’ve helped us so much,” Dalton continued, hoping to make Samuel see reason with logic.

  “I should never have put you two in this situation. I’m no better than your parents. When I helped you, it wasn’t so you could do this for me later in life. It was because someone had to care for you two boys. You didn’t deserve the hand you were being dealt, and even if I didn’t have much to give you, I could give what I had. I’ll never forgive my brother or your mom for doing the things they did to you and putting you two in the situations they did. Knowing what I’ve done is killing me.”

  While some people may have said he was right, Dalton disagreed. “No, if you were our parents, you wouldn’t have thought twice about coming to us and asking for money. This is what I’m offering you, not what you’re asking me for—huge difference.”

  The brothers looked at one another, contemplating whether Samuel would take this help or not. He was a proud man, no matter what, but both of them knew even if he refused, they would go to Liam themselves and requst the help. No two ways around it.

  “Alright, but let me be there with you when you ask him. Let him see this is my fault. He’s always been fair to me, always allowed me to work for anything he’s given me. I want to work this off too, I don’t want this to come back and haunt you. If he gives me this money, I’ll work until my debt is paid.”

  Dalton hated the look on the older man’s face. It spoke of defeat and a lifetime of trying to do what he was supposed to but always failing in some small way. He hated the look, the sentiment behind it because it made him feel like he’d failed too.

  “Then we’ll go tomorrow. I have to be somewhere in the morning, but tomorrow afternoon we’ll go.”

  He hadn’t planned on going with Mandy, not really, but something had changed within him. He wasn’t sure if it was gradual or if seeing Samuel’s desire to still be a good role model had started it, but it was time he stepped up. Hearing Samuel say he was no better than his parents seemed to flip some sort of switch inside him—he didn’t want his child to ever question where he or she stood in his life. After months, he was coming out of a fog he’d let settle over himself. With clarity, he realized he was the one making himself and Mandy miserable, he was the one putting an expiration date and restrictions on their love. It was time he stopped that and believed there could be a happily ever after for himself. If he didn’t believe it, no one else would. He knew it wouldn’t be easy, it wouldn’t be done overnight, but it would be damn well worth it.

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  Chapter Nineteen

  Mandy sat in the waiting area of Dr. Sparks’ office. This early, she was the only one there, and she couldn’t help but feel a little disappointed when she’d gotten there and there was no sign of Dalton. She had been telling the truth about not wanting to pressure him. If he wanted to be a part of their child’s life, that would be his decision to make.

  Scrolling through her phone, she opened her social media account, and a memory popped up. It was dated a year ago, and it was a picture of the two of them. He had his arms around her waist, his chin resting on her shoulder. The smile on his face was geniune, and the look he gave her was one of unfiltered love.

  It brought tears to her eyes, but they weren’t the tears of despair she’d been crying lately. These were good tears, they were a display the love the two of them had shared, and she had hope for the first time they’d get it back.

  Him stopping to join her for lunch yesterday was a huge step in the right direction. Something so small that she’d taken it for granted during their relationship now meant the world to her.

  And she could admit that to herself now too. She’d taken him for granted as much as he’d taken her for granted. There had been times where she could have demanded answers about what they were doing in their relationship, but she hadn’t. She’d assumed things would work out the way they were supposed to. He would know exactly what to say and exactly what to do when she’d wanted him to.

  She’d never told him what she wanted, she’d always waited for him to ask. Now she was beginning to see her shortcomings, and she was beginning to forgive him for his, even if things didn’t change.

  “Mandy, Dr. Sparks is running a little late. We’ll get to you in a few minutes.” The receptionist smiled at her. They knew each other from school, and Mandy gave her a smile of her own back.

  “No problem, I have nowhere to be.”

  She’d told Charity she had to run some errands and would be in late to the office.

  At ten after ten, the door to the office opened, and out of habit, Mandy looked up. When she did, her heart stopped. In the doorway stood Dalton, looking extremely uncomfortable, his eyes immediately zeroing in on her, an apologetic smile on his face.

  “Hey, sorry I’m late,” he apologized. “Traffic was awful.”

  “It’s okay.” She offered him a soft smile back. “The doctor’s running late anyway. I haven’t been called back yet.”

  He nodded, hooking his sunglasses in the neck of his shirt before going over to have a seat next to her. The receptionist had known him too, and she waved, smiling big as she saw him.

  “Congrats on being a daddy, Dalton!”

  The words hit him like a brick in the chest. He was a dad. Didn’t matter that the kid wasn’t born yet. He was a fucking dad, and he’d been behaving like a dickhead.

  In trying to not be like his parents, he’d become them. He hadn’t been around for anything, he’d run like a pussy, and he’d let the woman in his life take care of everything. He looked at her almost like he was seeing her for the first time.

  He’d neglected her, and he’d be damned if he did it again.

  A nurse came out from behind the door and called her name, causing Mandy to rise.

  “You wanna come back with me?” She wasn’t sure why she asked him, when obviously that was the reason he sat in the waiting room, other than the fact he seemed glued to his chair.

  He nodded. “I do, but first I wanna tell you I love you. I haven’t said it much lately, and you need to know it.”

  The shock on her face told him exactly how much work he had to do to try and repair the damage he’d caused this relationship.

  But she was the same loving woman she’d always been. She grabbed his hand and pulled him with her to the examination room.

  He’d spend the next eighteen years of this kid’s life making up his stupid decisions, and he’d spend the rest of his and Mandy’s lives showing her how much he loved her.

  It didn’t take away the fear he still had of Calvert. They still owed him money, but he realized for the first time that no one besides him would die to protect this woman and the child she carried. They were his, they were his responsibility, and he’d be damned if he left their safety up to anyone else.

  *

  “I hate that you’ve had to work on all the other doctor’s appointments. Since this is the first time Dalton’s been able to join us, we can listen to the heartbeat,” Dr. Sparks
said as she started doing her regular checks.

  Hearing the words the doctor said told him everything he needed to know. Mandy had been making excuses and handling life on her own. Miss Independent to the fullest. As much as he hated what he’d done to her and the fact he hadn’t been a part of her life when she’d needed him most, he was so fucking proud of her.

  “Yeah,” he answered, but his voice was monotone, even to his ears. “This time of year is really busy for the shop.”

  That was hard to admit too, how proud he was when what he really wanted was for her to need him. He wanted to be a part of their lives from now on, and if she could do it on her on, then what was the point? Why would she want to work things out with him?

  Because she loves you.

  He hoped like hell she still did.

  Mandy hated the blood pressure cuff because lately her pressure had been a little elevated and they’d given her shit about it every time she’d been in.

  “Everything looks good.”

  She breathed a sigh of relief. Those were the best words she’d ever heard. Plus, it proved she could take care of herself, with or without Dalton’s help.

  “I’m gonna do an ultrasound today, too. Since you lost fifteen pounds in the first trimester, I want to make sure development is on target.”

  “You lost weight?” He asked from where he sat next to her, concern on his face and in his voice.

  “Not unusual for some women,” Dr. Sparks continued. “Sometimes it takes a while to figure out what will come up and what’ll stay down. She’s done a good job of that. There was a family history, so it’s to be expected. I just want to make sure the fetus is growing and progressing the way it should.”

  Dalton’s excited voice was everything she hoped it would be. “Will we be able to know what the sex is?”

  “She’s twelve weeks; it’s a little early yet, and hazarding a guess might be a wrong one, so I’d rather not. When you come back in four weeks, that’s usually the time when we offer a determination of sex to parents, provided the little one keeps their legs open.”

  She hoped he was planning to be back for all the appointments after this.

  “Let me go get what I need, and I’ll be right back with you.”

  They were left alone, and it was as if neither one of them knew what to say to the other. This was such a monumentous occassion. The fact that he was there, and she’d let him be there.

  Dalton leaned over and placed a kiss on her forehead. “Thanks for letting me be here when I really don’t deserve to be.”

  Mandy blinked back emotion. “Thanks for finally wanting to be here.”

  The tone she used broke his heart. “It isn’t that I haven’t wanted to be here. I have a lot of explaining to do to you. After this, you think we can go have lunch or even tea or something, just to let me explain? I’m done running.”

  She searched his dark eyes and found truth in his words. “Don’t expect to come back and act like nothing happened,” she warned. “I’m willing to accept that we have a long past and a long future, but I need you to work for it.”

  He cupped her cheek. “I will. For the rest of my life I’ll work for it.”

  That sounded good to her She couldn’t make up what he’d missed, but she could be happy he was here now, and hope that he hadn’t lied to her. In the end, if he fucked this up again, he was on his own.

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  Chapter Twenty

  As she had driven over to a small café on the other side of town, Mandy had kept her eyes peeled on the bike behind her. She’d been waiting for him to turn at a stoplight or keep on going when she’d pulled into the parking lot, but he hadn’t. He’d kept his bike tucked in behind her car, following every move she’d made.

  “Is this okay?” she asked, as she got out and he parked next to her.

  He surveyed the parking lot. It was pretty empty this time of day, and they would have some sort of privacy.

  “This is great.” He took his helmet off and stuffed his gloves inside, hooking it on the taillight of the bike.

  “Are you okay?” she asked, offering her hand to him. He’d become uncharacteristically overcome with emotion when he’d heard the heartbeat of their child. It’d brought tears to her own eyes as she’d watched him struggle to get a grip.

  “I’m good.” He squeezed their hands together.

  As they’d left the appointment, he’d put the ultrasound pictures in his wallet, almost as if they were the most sacred thing in his life.

  They made their way inside and up to the counter. She ordered tea, him coffee.

  “Do you want to split a piece of cake?” he asked, eyeing the pastries in the case before them.

  He was making an effort. She had to give him that. It was small, but it was the effort she’d been craving for so long. “Sure, how about the apple pie?”

  “I can warm that up for you and put some homemade vanilla ice cream on it,” the cashier told them.

  Mandy felt her mouth absolutely water. “Yes, please do that.”

  Dalton smirked. “Sound good to you, babe?”

  “You have no idea.”

  The cashier told them she’d bring everything out at once, encouraging them to go ahead and find a seat.

  There was only one other couple, but Dalton made sure they sat as far away from them as they could.

  “Can I ask a favor?” she asked as they had a seat.

  “Sure.” She’d asked for nothing, and at this point, he owed her the fucking world.

  “Can we eat our dessert and spend a little normal time together before we get into the heart-to-heart? I miss this.”

  Fuck, he did too.

  “Whatever you want.” And he realized he meant those words more than he ever had. He was sick of pretending he didn’t need her. He did—every part of him ached for her. He missed her laugh, the secret little smile she gave to him when she wanted to be a little naughty, the way she looked in the morning with her dark, curly hair against the pillow. He missed it all, and he’d never take it for granted again.

  “How’s Deacon?” she asked as she eased back in her seat, letting her shoulders fall into a relaxed posture.

  “He’s good. He and I have been trying to help Samuel.” There that wasn’t a lie, but it wasn’t exactly the truth. He had to turn this away from him. He wasn’t ready to spill his guts yet, he wanted to see joy in Mandy’s eyes first. He wanted her happiness before he crowded her with all his drama. “How’s Tatum?”

  A smirk pulled at the edge of Mandy’s lips. “She told Mom and me that she likes older men. I have to admit I’m scared.”

  Dalton laughed, knowing how rough that would be for whomever it was she liked. At least he wasn’t dating the baby of the family. “Lord help whoever that is, and if he’s a member of the MC…”

  “Right?” Mandy leaned back as their drinks and dessert were brought to them. She licked her lips as she glanced at the ice cream. “I think it’s Remy, to be perfectly honest, but she won’t say.”

  Dalton could see that, but he didn’t want to say anything. That was between the two of them. He and Mandy went for the pie and ice cream at the same time, their spoons hitting each other with a loud clink in the quietness of the cafe.

  She giggled, and it was the best sound, besides hearing the baby’s heartbeat, he’d ever heard in his life. He hoped when he explained everything going on in his life, she would still look at him the same, she’d still want him, and above all, she’d still love him. The fear was real, but the reward was too, and he wanted that reward more than he’d ever wanted anything in his life.

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  Chapter Twenty-One

  Subconciously, both of them lingered over the pie and ice cream until there was nothing left. They made small talk, dug their forks in, and dragged their time out as long as possible. It was nice, though, being with one another again while letting the expectations go.

  Finally, Dalton set his fork down on the plate and cleared his throat. �
�I know I promised you answers, and I’ll give them to you. The only thing I ask is you let me finish before you start asking. If I don’t get this out now, I’m not sure I ever will.”

  Mandy set her own fork down and took a drink from her glass, watching him with wide eyes. This was the scariest situation she’d ever been in. What he said here pretty much made or broke their relationship, and damn if that wasn’t a lot of power to give another person. “Okay, I promise. I’ll let you get this out, but only if you let me ask anything I want when you’re done.”

  He considered her request. It was fair, even if she asked something he didn’t exactly want to answer, he owed it to her. “Deal. Whatever you want to know, ask me, and I’ll answer as truthfully as I can.”

  She squared her shoulders, ready to face this head on. Truth of the matter was, she didn’t know any other way to face it. She’d never shied away from anything in her life, and she didn’t want to start now. “Then I’m ready, Dalton. Why did you pull away from me?”

  It took him a few minutes to gather not only his thoughts, but his nerve. He’d never been one to talk about his emotions or explain himself, but he knew if anyone deserved it, Mandy did. And maybe now, at this point in his life, it was time to talk about them. It was time to be honest and share unabashadly the things that had happened in his past and the things he wanted out of his future.

  “The only other people who know more about my childhood than you is Drew and my brother. I’ve purposely kept it that way. Not because I never wanted to tell you about it, but because I always wanted to protect you from it.”

  He stopped, taking a drink of his coffee. “My childhood wasn’t the best. That’s no secret. We were taken away from my Mom and Dad; everyone knew that because Meredith did a story on it before she came to live with Tyler. Everyone knew my mom and dad weren’t fit to raise us, and we lived in some pretty rough situations and conditions for a while. The fact of the matter is, my mom hates my dad.” It was hard to say that, because what child wants to know one parent hates the other. It was something he’d realized early on in life, and maybe it had been one of the things holding him back from Mandy. He’d never wanted her to hate him. “He was a good time for her. They dabbled in gateway drugs and partying, sharing each other in the biblical sense with other people, and basically having a good time. She never wanted to be with him exclusively, but he got her addicted to meth. Then to keep her, he started cooking it, giving her just enough so she could keep the withdrawals at bay. In turn, she invited a ton of men into her bed, into our home, and did it right in front of my dad. They stopped sharing, and she started flat-out cheating.”