Havoc Read online

  I chuckle, smiling wide as I remember the advice of the older woman last night to give me blow jobs.

  H: I’m so tired that I’m not sure I could even get it up if you had that kind of an idea for me. Tonight, we sleep.

  L: I think I love you, that’s exactly what I wanted to hear.

  The love throws me off, but I imagine it’s just an expression and she didn’t mean it the way my fluttering heart took it.

  H: Have a good day, sweetheart. See you tonight.

  I don’t even know why I put the sweetheart in there, it just felt right. Calling myself three kinds of an idiot, I put my phone in my pocket and go to pick up the paperwork for my shift.

  “Riding with you today,” I tell Mason as I look through the information that’s been left for me. “Let me grab some more coffee and we’ll be ready to go.” I haven’t ridden with Menace in a while, and since the two of us are close to the same age, we tend to have more to talk about than the other guys. I quickly refill my cup, let dispatch know where I’m going to be, and then we head out to the cars.

  “How are things going?” I ask him as we start making our designated route through the town, up and down the one-way streets before we patrol the backroads.

  “They’re good,” he answers, stopping at a stoplight and then accelerating to make a left-hand turn. “Been working a lot in Birmingham doing some security gigs.”

  “I noticed you hadn’t been volunteering for overtime as much anymore, are we about to lose you to the bigger city?” I’d hate to lose him; he’s a good officer, was a decorated member of the Marine Corps, and has done well at every post he’s been assigned to. If we’re holding him back, I want to let him know to go for it.

  He shakes his head. “No, this is the only place where Caleb has ever felt like a part of something. He has football, Leighton, The Café, you all. I won’t take it away from him.”

  “I love how you add my wife into that equation.”

  “I don’t mean to disrespect you, but he cares a lot for her. I feel like he’s a better person because she’s come into his life. He needed someone like her.”

  “Didn’t we all?” I ask softly. Hearing him describe what a better person his son is for having Leighton in his life is affecting me, because I know I’m better for having her in my own. “I get it, and I’m happy to share her with him if need be. Those two kinda have a kinship, both not having mothers.”

  “They do,” Menace agrees. “And right now, he needs all the friends he can get. He’s having a hard time.”

  “With what?”

  If my guys are having problems, I want to know. I want to be a part of the solution, because that’s what a good leader does. Not to mention these guys are my family, and my responsibility. I need to know if their heads aren’t completely in the game.

  “School,” Menace spits the word out like it’s got a bad taste. “He’s got this teacher who seems to think he’s not giving his all, and I just don’t know what to tell her.”

  “They only have a few weeks left, right?”

  “Yeah, but I’ve heard through the grapevine she’s moving up a grade next year, so he’ll have her again.”

  I take a drink of my coffee. “Is the teacher right? Is he not giving his all?”

  “Hell, I don’t know. It’s some sort of math bullshit that I can’t even understand. I went overseas and kept people safe, Havoc, and I can’t figure this shit out. Do they want these kids to be rocket scientists?” He runs a hand through his hair. “Either way, I don’t know what to tell her. I can talk to him until I’m blue in the face, and he’ll tell me what I want to hear, but I can’t force him to do what she wants him to do. Fuck, I don’t even know if he can.”

  “Caleb’s a good kid,” I reiterate. I think Menace needs to hear that right now.

  “He is, but I’m worried if we keep harping on him, asking for more than he’s giving, it’s gonna make him rebellious. Right now, I leave him at home at all hours by himself and I don’t have to worry where he is. He’s never lied to me, never had people over when he shouldn’t, always calls me when he’s leaving. I’m his dad, but he’s also my best friend. We’ve grown up together. He knows not to lie to me.” Menace seems to have a hard time putting into words what he wants to say. “But at the same time, I don’t want to put too much pressure on him, because I want him to have a choice, ya know?”

  “You don’t want him to have to go into the military like we did?”

  He slaps his hand on the steering wheel. “Exactly! It was either that or get a fuckin’ factory job where most of the people who work there are on uppers and downers, or get stuck going to community college hoping to one day have enough credits to transfer. I want better for him.”

  He’s a good dad. I hope I’m the type of dad Menace is if Leighton and I ever decide to have kids.

  “He’ll have better because you do whatever it takes to give him better. And what if you make an appointment with this teacher? Ya know, talk to her about your fears when it comes to pushing him? Don’t they have conferences or something like that?”

  “They do,” he confirms. “I just always get a look when I go in there. People look at me and they go oh my God, you have a fifteen-year-old son? Is he adopted? Are there extenuating circumstances? They whisper it like it’s some secret. I mean, imagine how they look at me when I’m like no, I was having sex at sixteen, had a baby at seventeen, and became a single-dad at nineteen. I’m thirty-two now, do you have any more questions?”

  “Are they really that invasive?”

  “Fuck yes,” he breathes out harshly. “And ya know – I get that they wanna help me, that they want to make things better – but where the hell were those people when I was serving my country and my mom had to move in to help me?”

  “Nobody ever thinks about the sacrifice, brother.”

  “I missed a lot of shit I’ll never get back, but I’ve done it to give him a better life, and I’m scared to death that the pushiness of a society that always preaches you can do better is going to ruin it all.”

  This is some heavy heart-to-heart stuff, and I wonder how long Menace has needed to talk. How long has he been dealing with this on his own? I feel like he should have come to me before it got this bad. “Next time you need to talk, you come to me. If you don’t want to do it at the station in front of people, come to the house. Bring Caleb with you, don’t hide what’s going on from him. He’s old enough to know what’s going on.”

  “I didn’t mean to lay this all on you, boss, it’s just been heavy on me lately.”

  “You lay whatever you need to on me, I’ve got big shoulders. I can take it.”

  I can handle anything that anyone throws at me, as long as I know my team and my family are good.

  CHAPTER FIFTEEN

  Leighton

  “Why won’t this thing save?” I beat the keys on the laptop harder than necessary. I growl at it, hoping that it feels my wrath by the way I’m shooting daggers at the screen.

  “Be nice to it, and maybe it’ll do what you want it to,” Holden jokes as he comes through the front door, carrying a pizza.

  “How long have you been standing there?”

  “Long enough to hear you call it some not so flattering words and see you try to beat it to death. C’mon, take a break and eat dinner with me. I’ll leave you along to finish when we’re done.”

  He hardly ever leaves me alone when we’re at the house together, and it makes me feel good, because I know it’s because he wants to be with me, not because he’s worried I’ll do something he doesn’t like. “What are you going to go do while I work on this?”

  “Probably work out,” he answers tiredly. “Even though I don’t want to, but it’s been a couple of days.”

  I get up from where I’m sitting and join him at the kitchen table, taking the paper plate he’s offering me. “I wish I had your dedication.”

  “You do.” He takes a huge bite of the piece of pizza in front of him. “You work
on homework all the time, and you work a job at The Café you know you don’t need. That’s dedication.”

  “Different kind of dedication.”

  He agrees as he makes a noise in his throat. “But still dedication nonetheless. I tell people when they talk about criminals, that they are the most dedicated people I’ve ever seen in my life.”

  I have to agree with him. I push out an amused breath. “Yeah, no shit. Like who else would spend that much time trying to hide a part of their lives, just for the sake of it. I always used to ask my dad, what’s the point? We weren’t living rich, hell sometimes we weren’t even living good, yet he went to all that trouble.”

  “How did you live, Leigh?” He asks softly, and for the first time I feel like it’s non-judgmental. I feel like it’s my husband asking me, rather than an officer asking me.

  “It was hard.” I’m honest with him. “There were sometimes when there wasn’t money for food because he’d put all of it into the business. At least until I figured out what I was doing.” I clamp my mouth shut, not believing I just said what I did.

  “No, don’t stop now, what do you mean?”

  Damn me and my trusting mouth with him. I realize I’ve got to tell him, it’s the right thing to do. If there’s anyone I can trust, it’s Holden. “I’m good with numbers. It’s why I want to go to school for accounting. Back when my dad had me doing the books, I started messing with them, so that Brooks and I would have enough money for food. Or maybe I could find enough money to get Brooks a birthday gift. Something like that.”

  “Damn, Leigh.” His face shows more emotion than I’ve ever seen. It’s like admitting this to him shows him how desperate I was. “No kid should ever have to do that.”

  “No,” I agree. “But they do. There are plenty of kids in this country, in this county, in your town who do this because they have to. If I hadn’t done what I did, there were times Brooks and I may not have survived. That’s why it killed me when he went to jail. I tried so hard to teach him better, it’s why I take Caleb under my wing like I do. I failed Brooks.” I let tears that have gathered behind my eyes fall. “I wanted him to be different; I wanted him to have options and choices. But life took that away from us. I want Caleb to know he doesn’t have to be the status quo. Just because he’s only had one parent his whole life doesn’t mean he can’t be amazing. I worry about him, because I think he takes things too seriously. Brooks did too, and we see where he ended up.”

  Havoc

  “It’s not your fault that Brooks is in jail.” I grab her hand, pushing my pizza away. Frankly, I’ve lost my appetite.

  “But it feels like it. Someone had to be responsible for him.”

  “That wasn’t you,” I argue.

  “It was,” she argues back. “I took responsibility and then I failed him. He should have respected the police, should have respected the road.”

  “Leighton, listen to me. When he hit Trevor, he was an adult. You can’t take the blame for that. He knew right from wrong.”

  She’s listening to me, but I’m not sure I’m getting through.

  “He knew right from wrong.” I try again. “He chose to do wrong.”

  She sobs, something breaking apart inside of her. She’s been so strong this entire time she’s been with me. I’ve never truly seen her lose it, never seen her mourn the loss of her family, of a brother she so obviously loves. “This hurts so much.” Her bottom lip quivers as she puts her face in her hands, her shoulders shaking.

  “What does? You gotta let it out.” I soothe her as I walk over to the chair she’s sitting in, lift her up and settle her in my lap. This strong woman is sobbing into my shoulder, a dam breaking that I’m not sure she knew she had. It’s the worst sound I’ve heard in my life, like a wild animal who’s had their child torn from their hands.

  “He’s my family.” She rubs at the tears still coming from her eyes. “I wanted him here for every part of my life. I had dreams, ya know?”

  “Tell me about them, baby. I’ll make every one of them come true.”

  And in this moment, I know I’m telling her the truth. I never want to see this look on her face again, never want to feel the devastation I feel watching her face screw up in obvious pain and turmoil as I am right now. This hurts me as much as it hurts her, if not more because I don’t know how to make it better. “Talk to me,” my voice begs. Unless I know how to, I can’t help, and fuck I want to right now. My mission in life is to help. When it comes to her, my mission is whatever she needs it to be.

  “My dream was to always have a family,” she breathes out of her mouth, using her palm to wipe at the tip of her nose, “to have someone who cared about me, unconditionally. My dad found out I was skimming from the top. That’s what started the fight the day I left. I’d been saving money to do just that, to get out of here and go build a life for myself. He found the money I’d hidden, and he wanted to make me pay for what I had done.”

  “God, Leigh. I wish you had come to me,” I whisper as I cradle her against my frame, hunching over to protect her from the harsh realities of the world. “I would’ve done anything to protect you.” I push her hair up from her face, making her look at me.

  She’s never been more gorgeous to me right now. Face red, tears streaming down her face, lips chapped where she’s been continuously licking them, nose red and running. This is the woman I want for the rest of my life. This is the woman I want to have my kids one day, sleep with me every night, and wake up to every morning. “Do you know since the night you kissed me in Birmingham – I haven’t been out on a date with another woman? I haven’t kissed anyone, I haven’t hugged anyone, haven’t even texted anyone in any kind of manner that could be construed as me flirting?”

  Her intake of breath is sharp, and I can tell I’ve shocked her. “Goddamn woman, you blew my world apart when you swept up to me in that bar, and I’ve been trying to hold you at arm’s length ever since, because I’m scared to death to let you get too close. I don’t want you to run.” My voice is gravelly as I’m laying this down for her. “I don’t want to scare you, because of how I feel about you.”

  “What do you feel?” she whispers, her voice soft, her small fingers digging into the material of my shirt.

  “Everything,” I crush her to me. “Everything you can ever imagine I feel for you, and if that scares you then fuck it, because I’m sick of pretending. I can’t do that anymore.”

  She makes a noise deep in her throat as I pick her up and carry her to the bedroom. When I take us both down onto the mattress, wrapping her in my arms, she comes with me easily, putting her head on my chest, circling her arm around my waist. Our legs entangle and we watch the sun go down together, and it’s the best night I’ve ever had in my life, because I’m done hiding and I’m done running.

  And I hope like hell she is, too.

  CHAPTER SIXTEEN

  Leighton

  The night I told Holden what happened with my dad, why he did what he did and cast me out, proved to be a turning point for us, and two weeks later, things are better than they have ever been between us.

  Oh there’s still tension, lots of tension, but it’s the good, sexy kind. Not the neither of us knowing if we’re in this for the right reasons kind. Which leads me to my stress for tonight.

  This has been deemed something I’ve never done before: date night.

  It’s never been something I’ve really ever experienced, but I’m excited for it to happen. Holden called me on my way home from work, telling me we’re meeting a couple of the guys he works with and their significant others for drinks. While I’m pretty sure I know who he’s talking about and I’m comfortable with them, I’m immediately nervous.

  What if they don’t like me outside of The Café? What if I slip up and do something stupid? What if I embarrass Holden? What if I embarrass myself? I’m not sure I’ve ever worked myself up into such a tizzy in this short amount of time. Glancing at the clock, I see I have about an hour before he gets he
re. That hour has to count.

  It’s almost as if I’m running a marathon as I quickly go into the bathroom and start the shower. I probably take the quickest one known to man, before I’m getting out and wrapping a towel around my body. Even though I’ve lived in Laurel Springs all but six months of my life, I’ve never set foot in any of the date-night establishments, so I have no idea how people around here dress. And why this is slipping me up, I have no idea. I’ve never given a damn what people thought of me because of my family. Why am I even worrying about it now?

  “Because you want Holden to look at you and want you.”

  It’s what I’ve wanted since the day he came to help me. Maybe tonight is the night he sees me as someone worth it and worthy of him. Maybe tonight is the night we finally can’t keep our hands off each other and we do what we’ve both wanted to for so long. I know we both want it, we’ve come close so many times. Deciding not to worry about the clothes, I stand in front of the mirror, putting makeup on. It makes me feel weird; I normally don’t wear anything other than lip gloss and mascara most days because I bust ass waitressing. Nobody wants to see a waitress with eyeliner running down her face and smudged foundation caking her cheeks.

  “Let’s see if I remember how to do this,” I say to my reflection.

  I dig through my makeup bag, hoping I haven’t lost my touch. One day, not too long ago, I was really good at this. I could make myself look older than I was, and could have a man bowing at my feet. Hoping the makeup gods are with me tonight, I pull out everything I’ll need and go to work on my face.

  In the end, I decide to forego the intricate looks I’ve had over the years, and stop before I hit the showgirl category. Inspecting myself in the mirror, I smile, amazed by how much I look like an adult. The past year has changed me, made me grow more than anything else ever has. I see it in my eyes, even in the bone structure of my face. Finally, I’m becoming the woman I’ve always wanted to be.