Hard To Love (Rockin' Country #4) Read online

  It’s the least you can do, asshole. I was enjoying my fifteen minutes of snooze.

  His and Garrett’s friendship was getting back to normal, although it was a new normal. They weren’t close in the same way they had been before, but Jared was okay with that. He knew he had to prove to everyone that he was serious. Thankfully, Garrett was willing to be an active participant in his recovery, and they worked out together daily. Sometimes Hannah came, and honestly, those were his favorite days, because she tended to talk about Shell. Through Hannah, he vicariously lived Shell’s life.

  Quit your bitchin’. I’ll be there in about an hour. EJ woke us up puking, so it’s been kind of a hectic morning.

  Immediately Jared gave him an out.

  If you need to stay home and be dad, that’s cool. I can do this on my own.

  And he could, but it would be hard. Any deviation from his schedule, even now, bothered him.

  Never. I’ll be there. Han knows how important this is.

  Hannah had not only saved Garrett, but it looked like she was helping save him too. Feeling more emotional than he had a right too, he got out of bed and walked towards the shower. It would do wonders in waking him up, and give him a few minutes to reflect on how his life had changed.

  * * *

  “You got it. Five more!”

  Jared grunted as he pushed the barbell over his head, listening to Garrett count him down. After this, they would do two miles on the treadmill, and then their workout would be done.

  “You’re done,” Garrett told him, putting his hand out to help him off the bench.

  Gratefully, Jared took his friends hand and let him pull him up. He realized that was kind of a metaphor for his life the past few months. Friends had been lifting and pulling him up.

  “You’re quiet today,” Garrett mentioned as they made their way over to the treadmills.

  He nodded, setting his for the pace he liked to keep. Both of them started the run and had been at it for a few minutes when Jared found the right words to answer.

  “Yeah, I saw Shell last night.” His voice was quiet.

  “I figured. I told you she’d be alone, and then Hannah and I saw the flowers when we came home.”

  “So she never picked them up?” Jared asked carefully. He didn’t want to sound gutted over that, but in actuality he was. He’d thought maybe she would go back out and get them after he left.

  He shook his head. “No, but Han grabbed them. She kept the card and letter, and then she put the flowers in a vase. They aren’t going to waste, my friend.”

  “Can you make sure she gives the card and letter to Shell when she’s ready for it?”

  “I can.” Garrett took a drink from his water bottle. “I’m sorry it didn’t work out for you last night; I hoped that it would.”

  “Yeah.” Jared sighed. “Me too.” he pulled the hem of his shirt up to his forehead and wiped away the sweat gathered there. “But I can’t use a magic eraser to wipe out all the shit I’ve done to her over the years. This is gonna take some work on my part.”

  Garrett wanted to tell him that Shell wasn’t perfect either. She was going to have to work too. Relationships weren’t one-sided; they required that both people be present and willing to put the work in. He knew, though, that Jared was going to have to figure that out for himself.

  “You’re doing great,” Garrett encouraged. “Things will fall in the way they’re supposed to. You look better than you ever have, you’re happier than I’ve seen you in a long time, and everything else will work itself out.”

  Jared knew Garrett was right, but that didn’t mean he didn’t want it to work out right now.

  * * *

  Jared glanced at his watch and cursed. He was running a few minutes late—and that bothered him now—something that hadn’t before. He’d gotten engrossed in his writing, and had to rush through a shower, and then race across town.

  “Don’t shut the door,” he yelled as he ran towards the auditorium.

  “You were almost late, Winston.”

  “Almost only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades.” He grinned, squeezing himself through the opening.

  Entering the room, he saw faces that he saw at least two or three times a week. He tried to make as many meetings as he could—whether they were NA or AA. They both benefited him. Walking to the back, he had a seat and stretched his long legs out. He’d abused them at the gym today, and they were a little sore. Up in front, someone stepped up, welcoming them.

  Finally, his favorite part came. These little snippets of words were his comfort, his belief, and the motto with which he lived his life now. He had to. Jared Winston finally wanted to live.

  God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

  Chapter Three

  * * *

  “What? I got a B?” Shell questioned, wrinkling her nose.

  Hannah laughed as she turned towards her friend, a bowl of cereal in her hand. “You’re the only person I know who gripes because they got a B on a paper. Anyone else would be excited. They would be jumping from the rooftops with joy. But not my Shell; no, she’s ticked off.”

  “I worked hard on that paper,” Shell protested. “I went above and beyond—they told us to cite three sources. I cited six for fuck’s sake.”

  “Maybe you went a little overboard?”

  This wasn’t the first time someone had mentioned that word to her, and she did have a tendency to have to be the best at everything she did. It was a strength and a weakness. “That’s possibly true, but I don’t think I should be punished for it.”

  “Only you would think a B is a punishment.”

  It was hard to explain to people who hadn’t lived her life in the past few months. School, doing Harmony’s social media, and demo singing were all she had. They were the only things that had not only kept her head on straight but kept her from going crazy. When Jared had gone to rehab and then refused to speak to her, she’d lost not only one of her best friends, but her partner in life. It had been a devastating blow, and one she hadn’t been prepared for.

  She shrugged. “I am who I am.”

  They heard the garage door open, and a minute later, Garrett came through the garage into the kitchen. “Ladies, how’s it going?”

  “Shell’s being punished. She got a B on a paper. And I’m finally sitting down to eat some breakfast. EJ is, for the moment, asleep.”

  “For shame.” He gave Shell a glance, throwing her a face. “A B is the end of the world for you, isn’t it? This one,” he put his arms around Hannah and pulled her close, “is my little goodie-two-shoes. You,” he pointed to her, “are my braniac.”

  “I didn’t come here to be made fun of.” She threw a waded up piece of paper in his direction.

  “Love you too, Shell.” He stared at her for a few minutes, waiting for her to ask the question he knew she wanted to. When she didn’t, he answered it anyway. “Jared’s good, by the way.”

  “I didn’t ask.”

  “Doesn’t mean that you don’t want to know.”

  Damn him. She seethed inside. Garrett always did this to her. He offered information she didn’t ask for a reason. His grand scheme was to the get the two of them back together, but she wasn’t done with her anger yet. She still had a lot to work through, and every time he offered her a glimpse into Jared’s life, it broke another barrier.

  “Whatever, anyway, I gotta go. If I don’t leave now, I’m gonna be late.”

  “Where are you going?” Hannah asked, tilting her head to the side, her eyes raking over her best friend.

  “I’m recording some demos over on Music Row. Not a big deal, just something to get me out of the house.”

  She didn’t wait for them to ask her any more questions or offer her any advice. Instead she grabbed up her notebook, laptop, and purse quickly. “I hope EJ feels better, and if you two need anything, let me know.”

&n
bsp; Turning on her heel, she made her way to the front door.

  “Love you, Shell,” she heard Hannah yell.

  “Love you too,” she answered back as she closed the door.

  Once she did, she leaned against it, trying to catch her breath. For some reason, her heart pounded, and she felt like she would pass out. Was this how news of Jared was going to affect her from now on? Was she going to have a case of the vapors? Dear God, she hoped not.

  One man shouldn’t have the right to affect her this much, especially when she’d been doing her best to put him out of her head before last night. Seeing him last night, it had conjured up all of the good memories, because he’d looked so good. All the times he’d been sweet and loving. It was easy to forget the times he’d been an asshole when all she could see was the clearness of his eyes, the easiness of his smile.

  But she knew with him, he could change in an instant. Something could happen and it would send him back over the edge if he hadn’t learned the proper way to deal with it in rehab. She wondered if he had, but that was another part of his life he’d kept separate from her, she reminded herself.

  It sucked, but sometimes Jared only wanted to be in a relationship when it was good for him. When it benefited what he wanted to do. She was working hard not to make herself easily available for him—which was why she’d slammed the door in his face last night. But damn if that hadn’t hurt her in ways she hadn’t intended.

  When she’d gotten home last night, she’d thought about the whole situation, over and over. What if this had been his cry for help to her, and what if she’d just shut him down? What if he really had changed and she wasn’t willing to give him another chance?

  There were no right or wrong answers, but she knew with everything in her that she had to go with her gut. Her gut was telling her to make him work for it. Make him show her how much she meant to him. And maybe by him doing that, she could show him how much he meant to her.

  Chapter Four

  * * *

  Jared moved his head around on his shoulders, trying to work the muscles of his neck. They were tight, his whole body was tight. This was the first time he’d been with the guys as a group since he’d come back from rehab. Individually, he’d spoken to each of his band members and quietly asked for forgiveness.

  Standing on the Nashville practice stage, he felt butterflies. He had never felt butterflies in his life, but standing here, he did. Taking a deep breath, he tried to calm his rapidly beating heart and focus on the job at hand. All they were doing here was running through their show twice before they would embark on a small Asian tour. Small by their caliber. Twelve dates in eighteen days. It would be grueling, but that’s how Black Friday did things.

  “You doing okay?” Garrett asked as he walked over to his friend.

  It amazed Jared how quickly they all became their personas. Gone was the happy-go-lucky dad and father. In its place was their badass-looking Reaper. He’d let his beard grow in the past few days, and coupled with his bandana, backwards hat, and aviators, he looked like someone you didn’t want to meet in a dark alley. Jared also knew that he looked the part of Train. His once long hair was now freshly shaven on the sides, giving him a Mohawk, and he wore a tank top that showcased the muscles he’d won in rehab, tattoos out. He looked at Brad and Chris¸ realizing they were ready for battle too.

  “I’m good.” He nodded. Although he wasn’t sure. He was scared to death.

  “Alright, let’s get this started.”

  Chris counted off the beat with his drumsticks, and immediately, he went into their first song. He played from muscle memory, closing his eyes, letting the music wash over him. This was the one thing he hadn’t been allowed to do in rehab. They hadn’t let him have his guitar. At first it had felt like a punishment, and he’d resented every moment of it, but then he’d understood. He’d needed to become Jared there, and deal with himself—not Train, who everybody worshiped and adored. He had to become comfortable in his own skin, without his guitar being his shield. In order to embrace the program, he’d had to let his guard go and laying his guitar down was the first step in doing that. But damn, this felt good.

  He didn’t even realize how long he’d been playing, couldn’t tell anyone how many songs they’d gone through when he opened his eyes, but he knew it’d been a while. Garrett had gotten rid of his shirt, as had Chris. Jared looked down at himself and saw sweat pouring from his arms onto his hands; his tank top was soaked, and when he looked out, where their techs sat, he now noticed Hannah and Shell. He wished he knew how long they’d been there, but it was a relief to see her. It had been two weeks since Valentine’s Day, and she’d managed to avoid him every time he’d tried to run into her. She wasn’t going to get out of here without talking to him today.

  * * *

  “I can’t believe you brought me here,” Shell hissed to Hannah as they entered the sound stage area.

  “I did not trick you,” Hannah protested as she made sure that EJ wore his special ear coverings before pushing his stroller through. “I told you I was going to see Garrett. He’s in a band with Jared. Did you not think that meant Jared too?”

  Shell wasn’t sure what she’d thought it meant, but it wasn’t this. The two of them were quiet as they went to one of the couches set up for people to observe them. They waved at Rick, Black Friday’s manager, and had a seat at the one furthest in the back.

  “Just enjoy this,” Hannah said as she rocked the stroller back and forth with her foot. “It’s been a while since both of us have seen them perform.

  Shell sighed. It had been a long time, and performing Jared was one of her favorite Jared’s. The way the man played the guitar was breathtaking. He lost himself in the chords like many singers lost themselves in the words. Immediately her eyes went to his fingers as they worked the fretboard; they played that thing like they played her body. His eyes were closed, giving her the freedom to look at him, really look at him. He looked good, better than she remembered him ever looking. Gone was the gauntness she’d seen the night he’d OD’d. He’d filled out, and it looked damn good on him. He’d never be Garrett big, but he was healthy and strong. That in itself was sexy. Allowing her eyes to travel up his torso to his neck, she breathed slightly heavier when she saw the tendons of his neck pulled tight, supporting his thrown back head. That was the way he looked when he came inside her, and it heated her up. God, she missed him.

  “You okay?”

  “Yeah, I’m good,” Shell answered, trying to calm her out-of-control pulse.

  Hannah grinned at her. “You’re giving him this look that says, if you could, you’d go onstage, rip your clothes off, lie down, spread your legs, and say take me now!”

  “Garrett has been a really bad influence on you. You have no idea what I was thinking. Now go away.” She smacked at her friend’s hand.

  “Oh, I know exactly what you were thinking, and I think I’m blushing from it.”

  Shell giggled, looking away from Hannah only to have her eyes meet those of Jared. He stared directly at her, almost like he could see straight through her. It was unnerving, especially when Garrett set his mic down and told all of them to take a break.

  Please don’t come over here. Please come over here. Even her subconscious couldn’t make a clear-cut decision. She wanted him and she didn’t want him. Nothing was ever easy.

  That decision was taken away from her when he walked her way, his eyes daring her to turn and walk away. Immediately, it got her back up, and she felt the need to stay. Game on, buddy.

  Chapter Five

  * * *

  “Hey,” he greeted her quietly, his hands shoved in his pockets.

  He looked like a little kid who wasn’t sure if he would be welcomed, and that honestly kind of broke her heart. No matter how she felt about him, she wouldn’t treat him the way his parents had.

  “Hey,” she answered back. The words felt foreign to her. They were the first words she’d spoken to him, voluntarily, in mont
hs.

  “I’m sorry I ambushed you at their house the other night; I knew you wouldn’t see me if I asked you too.” He pulled his hands out of his pockets and ran them along the shaved sides of his head.

  Him, apologizing? Hell had frozen over for sure. “You’re right,” she answered. “I wouldn’t have seen you; I would have run as far as I could in the other direction, to be honest.”

  “I deserve that.” He rocked back on his heels, trying to find his balance, both spiritually and figuratively.

  She tried not to let anger get the better of her. Shell really didn’t want to be one of those women who yelled and blamed, but there were a lot of things she’d held in because he wouldn’t allow her to talk to him. There were a lot of things she’d wanted to tell him, and she hadn’t been allowed to. Those things had simmered, and now she was worried they were about to boil over.

  “You deserve that and a whole lot more, Jared. I’m trying very hard not to blame you, because I know you were in a bad place, probably the worst place you’ve ever been in your life.” She took a deep breath. “And I’m not the kind of person to kick someone when they’re down, but you have to understand—you did things to me that I haven’t recovered from, and I’m not sure if I will.”

  “That’s fair.” He wanted her to feel the way she felt, he wanted her to own her feelings. “But you have to understand that I was going through some things. Still am.”

  It was then that she shut down, and he saw it. He could tell she was done listening.

  “I didn’t sign up for the going-through-things Jared.” She held her hand up. “I signed up for the going-through-things-as-a-couple Jared.”

  “I’m trying to apologize to you so that we can move forward,” he argued.

  She leveled him with a glare. “Move forward? You want to fucking move forward?”

  Shell knew she was yelling, and she was aware of most everybody in the room staring at them, but she couldn’t stop her voice as it continued to rise.