Out of Darkness Read online

  “Wow,” she breathed, getting another glimpse at herself.

  “Do you feel comfortable?” Denise asked. “Because if you don’t, I won’t make you do this.” She wanted to make her do it, but she wouldn’t.

  Meredith could see the excitement in Denise’s eyes. Her friend wanted her to take back a part of herself. “Ya know what? I do.”

  “Then go out there and get your man. Here, take a shot before you go, you might need it.”

  Meredith coughed as the vanilla flavored vodka burned on its way down, but it steadied her shaking hands. Before going out the door, she hugged Denise fiercely. “Thank you.”

  “You don’t have to thank me at all. You’re doin’ this all on your own. I just gave you the tools.”

  As she rejoined the party, Meredith noticed that it had gotten a little louder, a little wilder, and a little raunchier. With new determination she made her way through the crowd, not even shrinking away when someone pressed against her that she didn’t know. Out of nowhere, William came up behind her and put an arm out, keeping others away.

  “You’re my knight in shining armour tonight,” she grinned.

  “Just trying to be of service to my brother,” he winked at her. It was unusual for him to be in such a jovial mood, but she wrote it off as the alcohol he’d probably consumed.

  She was on a mission this time. The group of women around Tyler had grown bigger, and one woman stood a little too close for Meredith’s comfort. Squaring her shoulders, she marched right up to them and stood where the women couldn’t help but see her.

  He hadn’t been paying attention, talking to Liam who stood off to the side, conveniently ignoring every woman who walked up to him. She cleared her throat loudly, causing him to look at her. When he did, her inner self smiled brightly at the surprise in his eyes. His pupils darkened almost immediately.

  “Meredith?” he stammered, giving her a once over.

  “Yeah, I thought I’d come out here and give you a break, looks like you have a little bit too much company.”

  Holy shit, she’s jealous, he thought. What an interesting turn of events this was. “They aren’t wanted.”

  “I know. You’re just too nice to tell them that.”

  She saddled up to his side and pushed the girl who had been too close for comfort out of the way. He immediately turned into her, blocking her body from everyone else’s view.

  “This is nice,” he indicated the outfit that she wore, running a finger down her cheek and along the side of her body.

  She closed her eyes, relishing the feel of his touch.

  “It’s sexy,” he told her, bringing his lips close to her ear so that she could hear him over the magnitude of the crowd.

  She shivered, bringing her hands up to his biceps to keep herself from swaying on her heels. His voice, so deep and smooth, swept over her.

  “It was Denise’s idea.”

  He chuckled low in his throat. “Remind me to thank her. Then remind me to thank these women who’ve been on my nerves all night. They obviously made you jealous.”

  “I couldn’t help it,” she admitted, glancing up into his eyes.

  They stood that way for a long moment, his face tilted towards hers, staring into each other’s eyes. His big hands spanned her waist, and he brought them up to rest on her back.

  “I’d like to kiss you,” he warned her.

  “I think I would like that,” she answered back, breathless.

  The spell broke between them as he glanced around and noticed the group of women glaring at her. “Not here, follow me.”

  He grabbed her hand and dragged her along the outskirts of the party, opening a door to the garage where bikes that were being worked on were kept. They were alone, and she could hear her breath echoing off the emptiness of the room.

  “Is this okay?” he asked her softly, not knowing how she felt about being alone with him while the atmosphere between them was so sexually charged.

  “More than,” she told him and realized it was the truth.

  Slowly, he brought his hands up to her cheeks and framed them. His big thumbs stroked the skin there, feeling how hot they were.

  “Embarrassed or aroused?” he asked, indicating the blush that had formed there.

  “A little bit of both,” she admitted shakily.

  “I’m not gonna force you to do something you don’t want to do. So if you want this, you’ve gotta come to me.”

  She realized that in his own way he was making her tell him what she wanted, and while a part of her hated it, another part of her rejoiced. Placing her hands on his waist under his cut, she fisted his shirt in them and pulled their bodies closer together. He groaned as she tilted her head opposite his and fused their lips together. His hands remained on her cheeks, not exerting any pressure, letting her control the kiss. She pulled back, then went forward, peppering little kisses on his lips, getting used to the feel of him.

  “Thank you,” she whispered, as she leaned into his body, hugging him to her.

  “Whatever you need, whatever you want, I’m here,” he promised. “But I need you to let me know what that is.”

  She clung to him, tears coming to her eyes, and in an instant, they sprang free.

  “Shh,” he comforted, running his hands through her hair. “Let it all out,” he instructed her.

  With the tears that flowed, Meredith let go of a dam on the emotions that held her back. It cleansed her body and her mind, allowing her to really feel for the first time since the attack. He held her as she broke down and knew that he’d never be able to let her go.

  Chapter Eight

  Meredith breathed heavily as she did her second lap around the Heaven Hill compound. The kiss the night before had opened a flood of emotions within her, and she hadn’t been able to sleep very long once they’d made their way back to Tyler’s dorm room. She’d lain there tossing and turning most of the night, thoughts racing through her head. Usually running helped, but not even the steady pounding of her shoes on the ground cleared her thoughts today. Stopping when she finally had a stitch in her side, she bent over. Panting, she crossed her hands above her head and began slowing walking around.

  “You okay?” Denise asked as she walked up beside the other woman.

  “Fine,” she panted, although her eyes betrayed her. “You?”

  Her friend decided to let the obvious lie go and smiled dreamily. “It was an amazing night once we got home. Have I mentioned how hot Liam is? How much I love him? How we decided to maybe try and have a baby?”

  The water that Meredith had just taken a sip of spit forward out of her mouth. “Come again?”

  “Yeah,” she beamed. “We talked about it, and we decided that since I’m still young and he wants to, we’re gonna try and have a baby.”

  The enthusiasm that she tried to show froze in her throat. This had been her dream, having a husband and a child. Jealously reared its ugly head and Meredith had to hit it with all her might to push it down. “That’s great. I’m so happy for you!”

  Denise smiled sadly at her friend. “No you’re not, this is something you want. Isn’t it?”

  “I’m in no position to know what I want at this point,” she argued.

  “It’s okay to not be thrilled for us, seriously,” Denise soothed.

  Meredith leaned against the chain link fence that surrounded the compound and put her face in her hands. “You’re right, I want all of that,” she whispered, tears coming to her eyes.

  The hollow feeling that settled in the pit of her stomach made her want to puke. It angered her and frustrated her, but at the same time gave her such a feeling of despair. She tried so hard to keep it together, not to let Denise know how much this affected her, but it was futile. The tears came and she couldn’t stop them. Gut wrenching sobs exploded from her chest, and the complete devastation she felt shattered her.

  Not knowing what to do, Denise grabbed her shoulders and pulled her close for a hug. It shocked her when Meredi
th buried her head in the other woman’s shoulder and hung on for dear life. Maybe this is what she’d been missing. The human contact, the feeling of someone else physically helping her hold herself together.

  “Talk to me,” Denise pleaded. “You’re not going to hurt my feelings one bit. Tell me how you’re feeling.”

  Her nose ran and Meredith coughed as she shook her head, trying to clear the tears from her eyes. “Devastated. I feel like all my dreams are gone,” her broken voice cracked and the sobs started over again.

  “They’re not, honey. Now’s the time to realize those dreams, make new ones.”

  Someone who hadn’t had such things taken from them couldn’t understand, and Meredith couldn’t seem to explain it with enough detail that others knew where she was coming from. She felt so alone.

  “I’m broken and I just don’t know if I can ever be fixed,” she whimpered as she curled her fingers around Denise’s shoulders and hung on for dear life.

  “You’re gonna be fixed. I won’t allow you not to be,” Denise vowed, rocking the other woman as she cried it all out.

  “What happened?” Tyler barked as Meredith made her way back into the clubhouse.

  She looked like death warmed over. Her eyes were red rimmed and puffy, her face a sick white pallor. The woman in front of him looked ready to collapse.

  “I really don’t wanna talk about it,” she croaked out. Her throat was raw with all the crying she’d done, and she was physically exhausted. For the first time in months it felt like she could go to sleep and stay there for days. It had finally caught up with her, the utter exhaustion that she’d been feeling. Perhaps it was really depression and it’d finally just overtaken her body.

  Tyler fought back the protective side he had for her and did his best to respect her wishes. She walked slowly to his dorm room, and he followed her at a respectable distance, hoping not to spook her.

  “Anything I can do for you?” he asked softly.

  Frustration and anger made her lash out. “I’m so sick of people doing things for me. Treating me like I can’t do anything for myself. It drives me crazy,” she screamed.

  Taken aback, he didn’t say anything, just listened to her rage.

  “Poor Meredith, she got raped and she can’t sleep at night and nothing is ever going to be the same for her again. Let’s treat her with kid gloves and keep her from getting too stressed out because she might have a nervous breakdown.”

  He herded her into the dorm room and shut the door. “Are you done?”

  “No, I’m not done. I’m so sick of this.”

  She charged into him and screamed, pushing him back against the door to the room. He didn’t try to hold her arms back, just let her go as she started to beat her fists into his chest. After several long minutes, she stopped, collapsing against him.

  Carefully, he put his arms around her, hugging her to him. She launched her arms around his neck, holding on for dear life, and it took him by surprise. She was so tentative usually when she touched other people.

  “Please, don’t let me go,” she begged tearfully. It was there, the need for human touch. It was finally there again.

  “I won’t,” he promised. “I will be here for as long as you need. For whatever you need me for. I’m not gonna let you down.”

  She knew without a doubt that he was telling the truth. She also knew that in order for them to move forward, she was going to have to get uncomfortable. Try things that she hadn’t before and put her fears aside. If she could have him and everything she wanted though, it would be worth every single drop of fear, anxiety, and sadness she’d ever felt.

  Chapter Nine

  I am a hot mess. I completely went off on Tyler and Denise yesterday. I embarrassed myself beyond belief, and the truth is, I’m not sure whether it did any good or not. I still have so many emotions and thoughts running through my head. I just don’t know how to get them all out, how to let go of these feelings that keep eating me up from the inside out. I had a breakthrough though. I realized I need it. I need human touch. I want Tyler to hug me, his finger to brush my cheek, I want him to hold me while I sleep.

  Meredith put down her journal and bit her thumbnail thoughtfully. Last night had been the first night of real sleep she’d gotten since this whole ordeal had started. Why, she wasn’t sure, but thought maybe she’d reached a turning point, and perhaps the emotions of the last few days had finally gotten to her. For the first time when she’d woken up this morning, she believed that she would come through this on the other side. Not unscathed, but possibly able to enjoy her life. To be able to get married and have children and have what others would consider a normal life. She even thought that maybe she would be able to have that with Tyler. But before she would be able to do that, she had to come to grips with her mental issues. That’s why she’d made another appointment with her therapist, sooner than normal.

  She placed her journal in its safe spot and then went to find Tyler. She found him at the kitchen table with Liam, drinking from his ever present skull mug.

  “Morning,” he greeted her, offering a small smile.

  She knew that she didn’t deserve that. Not really. Not after the way she’d acted the night before and the blubbering mess she’d been before assaulting him. But she’d take it.

  “Morning. Do you think that you and your skull mug can take me to a doctor’s appointment here in a few?”

  His brows narrowed. “Something wrong?”

  “No, I just feel like after last night, I need to talk about some stuff.”

  He realized that she didn’t really want to get into it with Liam around and, thankfully, he didn’t press her for further info. “Let me just wash my cup and then we can jet.”

  Jagger, a new member of the club who was just coming out of his Prospect period, stopped him. “Nah, man, I got it. You go on.”

  Movement in the club stopped. Everyone watched as Jagger grinned and picked up the mug, showing what he considered proper respect for his elder officer. He took it over to the sink, washed and dried it quickly before bringing it back to the table and setting it down in front of Tyler. It wasn’t until then that he noticed all eyes on him.

  “What?” he asked, uncomfortable with the stares that followed him. Even Liam looked at him, mouth hanging wide open. “You never seen somebody pay some respect to somebody else and do a dish?”

  “I haven’t ever seen anybody touch that mug, including me,” Liam clarified, watching Jagger with wide eyes. “Tyler always hints that it’s cursed, but he never tells us for sure.”

  Finally picking up on what he was saying, Jagger lost his swagger and looked at Tyler. “The fuck man? Seriously? Is it cursed?”

  “I guess you’ll just have to find out, won’t you?”

  “I’m ready to move on,” Meredith told Dr. Jones with such determination in her voice even she believed it.

  “What does that mean?”

  “It means I want to try and get physical again. I want to get married, I want to have children. I want this to stop hanging over my head. I want to take my life back.”

  “I caution you again, Meredith, not to rush yourself. Don’t do this out of some misguided sense that there’s a timeline.”

  She shook her head. “I’m not. I let Tyler kiss me the other night.”

  “How did that go?”

  “Pretty well. I think if he had tried, I would have let him go further.”

  Something in her eyes caused the Doctor to sit forward and regard her seriously. “What brought this on, and be honest with me.”

  “My friend Denise and her old man, boyfriend, whatever, have decided to have a baby,” Meredith sighed. “This is what I wanted for so long, and I feel like the world is just moving on without me.”

  “Nothing moves on without you, Meredith. Your world goes at your pace, theirs goes at theirs.”

  “And trust me, I know that, but I’m just sick of Tyler sleeping on the floor. If you get what I mean.”

&nb
sp; A patient smile appeared on Doctor Jones’ face. “You really think you’re ready for that?”

  “I think I’m getting there, but I’m not sure how not to freak out.”

  Doctor Jones thought over her words carefully and very softly suggested her regimen of therapy. “Masturbation.”

  “What?” Meredith coughed, her face flaming red.

  “You have to get comfortable with sexual feelings and touches again. What better way to do that than for you to have complete control over what you’re doing. He can even watch.”

  “The hell he will,” she shouted.

  “You’ve never done that before?”

  Something about the older woman asking her that caused Meredith to giggle and then she couldn’t stop. “Are you a freak under those professional clothes, Doc?”

  “Two consenting adults watching each other masturbate does not a freak make,” she smiled, not really answering the question.

  Meredith could see where the doctor was coming from and was sure that she’d used this method of treatment with other rape survivors before, but she honestly knew nothing about what the doctor was asking her to do. “Where do I even begin?”

  “Tell Tyler to take you to Upton,” she smiled mysteriously.

  “What’s in Upton?”

  “Trust me, Tyler knows and he won’t even question it. Just walk out that door, tell him to take you there, and I’d like to see you in the next couple of days.”

  Armed with her new ‘homework’ fresh in her brain, Meredith walked out, a bemused look on her face. Tyler had a cell phone to his ear and was grinning in an evilly wicked way she’d never seen before. Holding up his finger, he continued talking for a few moments before ending the call.