Shield My Heart (Heaven Hill Book 9) Read online

  He was so fucking tired. Tired of worrying about other people, denying his feelings, and most of all, tired of lying to himself. He needed her like he needed his next breath. Denying their need of each other was doing nothing but hurting them, and for one night he didn’t want to hurt anymore. He was raw after talking to Samuel and trying to figure out how they were going to fix the problem he’d dragged all of them into.

  More than anything, he needed his home, and that was wherever Mandy Walker was. Slinging his leg over the back of the bike, he walked up the sidewalk leading to her apartment. He could break in, but he knew if he broke in tonight, she might well shoot his ass. Instead, he knocked softly on the door and sent up a prayer that she wouldn’t slam it in his face.

  *

  A part of Mandy contemplated not opening the door when she heard the rapping of Dalton’s knuckles. Without a doubt it was him; she’d know the sound of his bike anywhere. For so many years she’d sat on the front porch of her home, waiting for him to come down the driveway and pick her up. The sound was as much ingrained as the sound of her dad’s bike.

  The memory of when the sound had made her heart beat faster, knowing she’d see the man she loved, was still at the forefront of her mind. They weren’t far removed from that part of their lives. She had to remind herself—the bad times, so to speak, had only been around for a few months. The need to see him was still there though, as desperate as it had been when they were younger. She figured it would always be this way, no matter what they were going through.

  Opening the door and seeing him took her breath away, the same way he’d taken her breath away when they’d been teenagers. He’d always been a good looking guy, always. And she’d wondered more than once why he’d decided to be with her. His tall frame and broad shoulders filled her doorway, presenting him to her like a picture in a photo album. His arms were braced so he could lean in towards her and appear as nonthreatening as possible. Without meaning to, her eyes went to his biceps, pushing hard against the cotton of his T-shirt, skimming the edges of the leather cut he still wore. Moving lower, she sucked in a breath as the same T-shirt pulled up when he flexed, exposing a small sliver of abdomen above the metal buckle of his belt. God she missed this man and the things he could do to her body.

  “Hey.” His dark eyes raked over her body, and she felt it down to her toes. His voice was rough, the way she liked it, but behind the indifferent mask he wore, she could see pain and desire. Mandy wanted to wrap him up in her arms and take away that pain, but until he was honest with her and how he felt, she wasn’t going to make it easy on him.

  “Hey,” she answered back, folding her arms over her chest. It was a protective gesture they both recognized. One that also hid her shaking hands. Being this close to him after so long not only made her nervous but made her itch to touch him.

  “Can I come in?” At one time he would have walked in without even knocking, because he’d had a key. When things had gone to shit, he’d given it back and even that had been done in a cowardly way. He’d stuck it underneath the door of Charity’s office with a note. He hated having to ask her now, but he didn’t want to push himself into her life either. He’d done enough to cause her hurt, and he didn’t want to push his luck.

  Not speaking, she moved back from the door frame, allowing just enough room for him to walk through. Their arms brushed, and both of them inhaled at the unexpected touch. Closing the door behind him, she locked it on habit.

  “Good to know you haven’t forgotten all the stuff I taught you.” He tilted the corner of his mouth up into a grin. When she’d first moved into her apartment, she’d gone to bed with her door unlocked because she’d always felt safe once her mother moved in with Liam. Dalton had drilled it into her head that the world wasn’t always safe and she needed to take her safety seriously.

  “Some things you never forget.” She shrugged, trying not to get taken in by the sexy grin he’d given her.

  The implication hung in the air. She would never forget how he reacted to her news.

  Immediately the tilt of his mouth fell. Dalton felt like shit on the bottom of his motorcycle boot, but he knew he’d brought this upon himself. “I’m so fuckin’ sorry.” He walked towards her, stopping before he could touch her.

  “Why are you sorry?” She whispered the words, wanting him to admit it, needing to hear confirmation of what he was doing to her. She wanted him to say it, to realize the implications of stringing her along.

  “For hurting you, for not responding to you when you needed me to.” He couldn’t stand it anymore. He grabbed her hands, bringing them to his lips, kissing them as softly as he spoke. “I haven’t been the man I should be, I haven’t been the man I promised myself I would be for you, and it kills me.”

  “How do you think I feel, Dalton?” She fought back the fucking tears again. “I know something’s going on with you. You wouldn’t turn away from me like this if there wasn’t, but you don’t trust me.” She tried to firm her bottom lip and chin but she couldn’t. It quivered to the point of her teeth chattering—and that’s when the tears fell. “That’s the worst part. You don’t trust me, after everything we’ve been though.”

  “No.” He brought their foreheads together so they touched, inhaling the vanilla scent that was Mandy’s. He smelled it in his fucking sleep, in his dreams, and in the morning when he woke up with his hard cock in his hand. “It’s not about trust at all,” he admitted, holding her face in his palms. Giving her a little bit of the truth wouldn’t hurt. He hoped like hell it would improve the way they were trying to communicate. “It’s about safety, about keeping both of you safe.” He moved his hands down to her stomach. “Even if I’m not around, I need to know you’re safe.”

  Her stomach clenched as she dug her hands in his cut, fisting it in between her knuckles. “What do you mean you might not be around? What’s going on? I know you took a leave of absence from Heaven Hill—Mom and Dad both told me. Why would you do that? We’re your family.”

  He couldn’t take her words any longer, couldn’t take the tearful sound of her voice, the way she looked at him like he was about to break. Grasping the nape of her neck, he pulled her lips to his, branding her with the forcefulness of the kiss. Desire hit him in the sternum, and he knew he had to have her. It probably wouldn’t make this situation any better, but he didn’t see how it could make it any worse.

  She moaned, a sound he heard in his dreams every night. It was his favorite sound she made. Bending down, he ran his hands down to the backs of her thighs. Gripping his palms around the skin there, he lifted her up so that she settled against his waist, wrapping her legs around him. He pulled away, memorizing her face. “I need you, and if this isn’t want what you want, Mandy, tell me now.”

  She couldn’t tell him she didn’t want him. She always wanted him, no matter what they were going through.

  “Take me.” She loosened her limbs, allowing him to carry her to the bedroom. If this was all they were going to have, then she would enjoy it for what it was.

  ‡

  Chapter Fourteen

  Dalton sat her down softly on the blanket covering the bed. She’d had it since she was younger, and he could remember them making out on it back in the day. Everything about her took him back to another much simpler time, and he wished like hell they could go there now. He laid her down so that her legs hung off the end of the bed. It made a perfect cradle for his body between her thighs.

  Standing over her, he ran his hands over her T-shirt clad torso, stopping where he could see the peaks of her nipples poking through the material.

  “Sensitive?” he asked, even though he’d always heard that they were for pregnant women.

  She took a deep breath as his finger circled the pebbled flesh, nodding. “Yeah, very.”

  She whined when he took his hand back, working on removing his cut and his own T-shirt. He knew Mandy better than he knew anyone else, and he could tell by the way she was already arching into his to
uch this was something she’d wanted for a while. “You missed me, baby?” He pushed his hands up her stomach, noticing that while she’d gained a few pounds, he couldn’t tell she had a bump. Her arms obediently went over her head, letting him rid her of the shirt.

  “Please.” She wiggled against the bed.

  Her larger breasts jiggled over the top of the lace bra that cupped the flesh. His palms ached to grasp that flesh, so that’s what he did, pulling the edges of the lace down, exposing the darker areola to his gaze. She’d never been so beautiful to him.

  Out of nowhere, he had an image of her breast-feeding their child and for the first time, and he hoped to God he’d be around to see it. Exposed to the air of the apartment, her nipples pulled tight under his gaze. He brought one hand up to his lips and licked the tip of his index finger along with his thumb.

  “How you like this, baby?” he asked as he took the nipple in between his wet fingertips.

  She arched into his touch so hard she sat up, wrapping her legs around his. “I’d rather have your mouth.”

  He’d rather already have his dick inside her, but he wanted to savor this too, because he truly thought this might be the last time they’d be together, depending on what happened in their lives.

  Reaching down, he circled his tongue over the part of her breast like she’d so sweetly asked him to do. He growled when she dug her fingers into his hair and held him there, feeding him more of her flesh. As she ground herself against him, Dalton thought he would die from the pleasure of it all.

  *

  Mandy needed this. “Please don’t stop,” she begged, wanting to feel the swirl of his tongue, the pinch of his teeth. “I’m so tired of my own fingers, and they don’t get the job done.”

  She knew she should be embarrassed for saying that out loud, but she wasn’t. She’d missed him, and if being pregnant had done anything to her besides make her tired, it made her unbelievably horny all the time.

  Pulling his head back from her skin, he gazed up at her, his eyes dark with desire. He looked dangerous like this, her favorite way for him to look. Dalton Barnett was a good guy, sometimes too good, but he was a bad boy too underneath his good-guy exterior, and she loved it all. “How often?” he asked through clenched teeth.

  “What?” Her mind wasn’t following him; it was pleasure addled, and all she wanted to concentrate on was what he was giving her.

  “How often are you getting yourself off?”

  Heat flared on her face, matching the heat in his eyes. “Daily,” she admitted.

  Those words were all he needed to hear. She watched as his fingers went to his jeans, popping the button, shoving them down his hips and thighs.

  She took her own cue, wiggling out of the shorts and panties she wore. When they faced each other again, both of them breathed heavily.

  “Do it,” she begged, holding her arms open to him. “If you’re not going to be honest with me and work towards us getting our relationship back on track, give us a memory or at least something for me to fuel my fantasies at night.”

  He wanted that more than anything, to give them a memory to keep them going when they couldn’t be with one another and when things couldn’t be explained.

  He carefully lay over top of her, supporting himself on his forearms.

  “You’re not gonna hurt me or the baby,” she assured. “Let our skin touch each other. I want to feel you.”

  She pulled him down so that they touched from lips to toes. She took the kiss she wanted, tangling their tongues together as he pushed himself inside her body. Mutual groans vibrated their lips as he sank home.

  This was what she’d been missing. Him, and the way he made her feel. No matter how much he hurt her, this was what would keep her coming back. When he took her like this, she could feel the love between them; she could feel how much he adored her.

  “I love you, Dalton,” she whispered as she separated their lips.

  Two gazes met, one conflicted, the other loving. “I know,” he said as he stopped the thrust of his hips and let his head hang on his shoulders. “Goddamn, but I love you too.” He lifted that gaze back up to her. “Please, no matter what, never doubt that. Never question it. Know that I’m doing everything because I love you so much.”

  She wanted to ask more questions, get answers that she deserved, but she couldn’t form any more words as he pulled out and pushed back in. He set a rhythm that kept her from thinking anymore about what was going on between them.

  When the pinnacle came, they shattered apart in each other arms, gasping, panting, nails scoring each other’s skin. This time though, there were no promises made, and when they disentangled themselves from each other, Mandy rolled to the side, gathering the sheet around her chest.

  “Until you can tell me what’s going on, please don’t come back.”

  He knew a dismissal when he heard it, and he also knew he had to respect her for it. Quietly he gathered his clothing, put it on, and made his way out of her apartment.

  She waited until she heard the lock click on her front door before she let the tears fall.

  ‡

  Chapter Fifteen

  The morning sun woke up a couple on the other side of town. They’d slept peacefully, even with worry on their minds—unlike the soon-to-be-parents. Denise turned in her husband’s arms so she could look at him as she spoke. She wanted to see his facial expressions, wanted to know what he really thought about their daughter and how she was acting. Not that she thought he would hide anything from her, but she wanted to see his reactions.

  “Are you sure you have no idea why Dalton’s asked for a leave of absence? I’m telling you, something is going on with Mandy, but she wouldn’t tell me what it is. She asked me how I felt when I learned I was pregnant with the twins. You don’t think…” She trailed off; leaving the words on the breath she’d stopped. More than once in the last few weeks as she’d looked at her daughter, she’d wondered if maybe she was continuing the family, so to speak, but Mandy had always been her responsible child.

  “No,” Liam’s voice was forceful. “Both of them know better than that shit. They’re adults, but they’ve always been responsible.” He echoed her thoughts, what she’d kept telling herself.

  But at the same time, she realized exactly how old these two were. “They’re almost thirty, Liam. No matter if they’re responsible or not, things happen. Maybe this was something they wanted. Maybe they wanted a child and decided to go for it. I mean they’ve been together so long, it’s not unheard of. Maybe we’ve got this wrong and they don’t even believe in marriage. I mean we weren’t married when we had Tatum,” she reminded him. Her pregnancy with Tatum had been a completely different than it had been with the twins. He’d taught her what a real man was like when his woman was expecting.

  “I just don’t see it. Why didn’t Dalton come to me and tell me that if he did?” Liam argued. His guys were the best in the world, and he’d never had to worry about any of them. They’d always been honest with him, even when it’d be easier not to be. “There’s a sort of respect he needs to give me as her dad and his pres. If I find out he’d done something he shouldn’t; there’s gonna be hell to pay.”

  Denise sighed, burying her face in his shoulder. She had a feeling there was definitely going to be a lot of that, and she wasn’t sure who would be left standing in the end.

  *

  This was the last place Dalton wanted to be, but if he wanted answers, he knew his dad could give them. He was going to have to keep coming back until he got what he wanted. Giving up wasn’t an option, because he wanted this over with. He wanted to move on with his damn life.

  “Two visits in a couple of days? To what do I owe this pleasure?” Lance asked as he had a seat across from his son. He deceptively put his feet out in front of him, acting like he didn’t have a care in the world.

  Dalton was familiar with the air his dad put on; he tried to do it whenever he could too. So that others wouldn’t think he was n
ervous–so others would think he was in control at all times. It was nothing more than a lie. The biggest lie of them all. He had a feeling his dad was nervous as hell, and the fake relaxation gave him a little bit of a thrill—the fact that he’d made his dad nervous. It was the best gift he could have ever gotten, sick as that realization was.

  “Calvert.” Dalton said the one word that his dad didn’t want to hear. He could tell by the way his dad let his head fall back against the seat. He rolled his eyes dramatically as he tried to look at his son. Dalton didn’t let the drama derail him. “I know you can figure out where he is and how I can talk to him. Samuel doesn’t want me to have any part of this, so he’s not being very helpful. For once in your life, I need you to put aside your own selfishness and help me out.”

  “I don’t know,” Lance argued, raising his eyebrow and leveling his son with a gaze. “You’re asking me—someone on the inside—where someone on the outside is. Do you know how crazy that is?”

  Dalton smiled, but it was smartass at best. “You’ve got your fingers into everything and you know it. Now cut the shit and help me find Calvert or tell him where he can find me. I want to get this taken care of. I don’t want Samuel, me, or Deacon to have to live with a target on our backs. We already have a small one from the shit you’ve pulled over the years,” he took a jab, hoping it had the effect he wanted it to.

  Lance sat back in his chair, ignoring his son’s words. His own smartass smile covered his face as he dropped what he hoped was a bomb. “I hear you’ve taken a leave of absence from Heaven Hill.”

  How did he know that? Dalton felt himself get colder at the thought there was someone he knew feeding other people information. Especially about the club. “How’d you hear that?”

  “People talk when they think no one’s listening.”